I’m Calling it friends. Selfless motherhood is bull.
We’ve all seen those memes reminding us that our time with our kids is limited, we only have x amount of summers, x amount of christmases, x amount of first days and last days of school. And I get it. It is super easy to get caught up in the “I’m never going to sleep again” lie. (I may or may not have uttered that last week before I stopped nursing my almost 12 month old). But somehow this ”encouragement to savor the moments” has turned into moms completely losing themselves in their kids and abandoning their own body, mind and sanity.
Do our husbands or partners feel bad when they shower alone before work? Or do they apologize for needing work clothes? Do “non-parents” apologize for being tired, sick or just wanting a day off? NOPE. Thats a big fat NOPE. When did it become acceptable for moms to remain in this place of guilt and self sacrifice for having their own needs?
Here are 5 reasons I think selfless motherhood is absolute and total garbage.
When you put yourself last...you feel like crap
Selfless motherhood says that you need to put yourself last. You can lie till you are blue in the face about how your kids are your everything and you are happy to put them first all the time. But that’s not true. Maybe you can’t comprehend why you feel so crappy. Maybe you have chucked it up to the “baby blues”. Or maybe you’ve accepted that this is just the way of life. You are on call 24/7 for the babies and you just come last. But, WHY? Why is that ok? Wouldn’t you feel better if you showered? Wouldn’t you have more energy? And in turn, be a better mom? Wouldn’t your husband look at you a little different if you had a little pep in your step? YAH! I know my husband notices! (Cough Cough, back to back babies) You feel like crap because you are EMPTY! Mamas, Fill yourself up!
When you put your kids schedules above everything - you isolate yourself
Selfless Motherhood says that we have to have our kids sleep schedules perfect, organic foods prepared, homemade everything ready etc etc etc. Between nap times and kids colds and pure exhaustion, you keep yourself at home. You sit there thinking to yourself negative thoughts because you have no one else either confirming they feel the same way or speaking life over you. Guess what - your kids will survive if they aren’t down at 12pm on the dot! In fact, they will be better sleepers if they get used to passing out in the car, at the park on a couch etc! Life is not always on a perfect schedule! Go do lunch with a friend dammit! Or if you have too many kids to sit at a restaurant (and not get kicked out), buy a box of donuts or pizza and hang out at the park all day with friends. Let them freaking get dirty and fall a little!
When you don’t socialize...You believe the lies
Selfless motherhood keeps us isolated so we don’t socialize withOUT the kids. Social media. It’s so great right? Those memes I was talking about - when they circle around and you are screaming at your kids...then you sit down for a second to pee and scroll through a bit. Then...its non stop guilt. “You only have 18 summers with your kids. Make them count”.….Then you play the film of the last 3 hours over and over again of you yelling at your kids because they have said they are bored 900 times and they have nothing to do. (get real...i'll show you nothing to do when I trash all your toys...jk ...not really) But when we are alone, we believe in the crap lies that it’s all or nothing. It doesn’t have to be ALL or NOTHING.
When you become a mom...You think that you aren’t worthy of time or money
Selfless motherhood tells us that the kids needs come first 100% of the time. This is the big ones mamas. I don’t know about you, but I was a very young mom. So I was broke to begin with. So the thought of spending money on myself was almost comical. At that point in life, It was literally survival mode. But guess what. I am not in survival mode anymore financially. And I still carry the guilt of having my own needs. I feel guilty for wanting a pedicure, or a haircut, or a color or new clothes because I just gained 25 pounds from being pregnant, birthing and nursing a baby. WHYYYYYY? I know that I am not alone.
Somewhere along the lines, when the diapers happened and the babies cried and the sleep stopped, we just forgot that we are a human. Outside of our own children. Outside of our own spouses. We are a human, with our own sets of needs.
When you are pregnant or Postpartum you don’t know how the hell to care for your new mom bod - SO YOU DON’T.
Selfless motherhood tell us that you are just expected to love what they left you with. “Love your postpartum body. It created a human.” Love your “tiger stripes” and your droopy boobs and love the belly pouch. UMMMM, no. I am going to go ahead and admit that I actually hate the 25 pounds I gained while breastfeeding. Nothing fits, I feel gross, I feel unhealthy and I don’t like it. And hello, I am married. I do not feel sexy when I am trying to do adult things with my husband.
This does not mean that I hate my body or that I am not appreciative of how incredible it is to birth another human. Why does it have to be one or the other. Why can’t we add an “AND” in there. “I am thankful that my body is that cool that I can create life...and I also hate the fact that I have 25 pounds hanging around that feels super jiggly and gross”. It’s irrelevant what it looks like to other people. I don’t like it and I don’t feel good about it. And I am done with the cliche phrases and guilt that’s placed on me for feeling that way.
When you are a mom- Society makes us feel old and totally uncool - and we believe it
Selfless motherhood tells us that if we aren’t 20 and putting 20 pounds of makeup on, we are lame, uncool and unimportant. In an over saturated market of beauty, were the odd ones out. There aren’t mom tutorials. - “How to look put together in 5 minutes because you have 27 kids” ….But seriously. We walk in to stores and walk back out. We feel insecure and out of place in stores and make up counters. Which is why I created my courses….just for MOMS. (and some non-moms that just might needs some help). Because we are cool dammit. We are beautiful, we are sexy and we are so badass and the only person holding us back from our true potential is…...ourselves.
Stop believing the lies, moms. Fight back. Make yourself a priority. Because although it’s for you...everyone else will take note, start to notice and appreciate you a little bit more.
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