I just finished this book. I've never read a book slower, ever in my life. I am a natural speed reader, I blow through books quicker then I can keep up with. But this one was different. I read it slow. I savored it. I re-read chapters. I highlighted and underlined and folded down pages that I wanted to come back to. Shauna Niequist spoke every word I have been feeling this season of life. A season to slow down, a season to stay quiet, a season to stop the hustle and bustle, a season to stay in my Jammie's and rest more then I feel comfortable with. A season of uncomfortable, weird, silence.
But beyond the silence, it's becoming a season to reconnect, dig back into Gods word and reconnect with my family. My work has pulled me in all directions, different states, different countries and all over the valley. But in the midst of the non stop hustle, I realized it wasn't passion that was driving me. And my work wasn't bringing me joy anymore. I was filling a need to prove myself. A need to show everyone that I'm not "just a mom", or a teen mom, or a single mom. I thought that I could show everyone how I could pull myself out of my "bad choices" and into a successful life. A life with no financial struggles, a life not dependent on "help" from others, a parent with it all together, an intentional mom (hoping it was the opposite of an irresponsible teenager as I once was). But guess what? That was exhausting. And it left me empty and wanting to hide so I didn't have to act all put together every time I was around someone.
So, here I am, a retired hair and make up artist, who has almost 4 children and I'm not even 30 yet. I love a schedule, I love being organized but I also love staying in my Jammie's all day and reading. I am an introvert, social settings give me anxiety, and I love staying at home. My wardrobe consists of mostly black and gray tones. And I like it that way. Neutral tones calm me.
I announced sometime last year that I was retiring from weddings. Something God had been YELLING at me to do for years. But I wasn't listening. I thought I had to work and that I had to provide. But the truth is, I don't. Because He does. I quit my job without another lined up. I didn't even speak to my husband about it before I made the decision. I knew in my soul that I needed to stop. I was unhappy, stressed, distant and miserable. I was overwhelmed. Each event was less joyful for me and more work then I ever imagined. So again, without any "future plans" or "future income", I said goodbye.
With Baby No. 4 on the way, I am still not sure how I will bring income to our home. But I am finding a little bit of peace in that I know I can trust the Lord to provide. And my prayer is that my husband realizes that he doesn't need to stress either. Because we have never gone with out. And we just need to honor what has been given to us. His guidance will come, his provisions will come. And they wont be based off of our works, or our schedules, or my obsession with being an entrepreneur.
So this book. It has put into words what I have felt for a long time. But never knew how to execute. Never knew that it was ok to feel all the things I am feeling. It helped me realized that I wasn't being lazy. Rest does not equate to laziness. But, that I have been craving rest, connection, intimacy and a slow calmness that hustling would never give me.
I am thankful for people who write the words that are in this book. That are real, honest, truthful and bold. That pave the way for people who cant quite put into words how they are feeling so that they can make the necessary changes in their lives.
For now, I will keep snuggling my kids, watching movies on repeat, enjoying my last pregnancy and stay in my jammies and I will blog for whoever wants to read.